Sixty Apology Letters

Three days ago, if someone had run up to the Chief Executive Officer of Happy Video Network and proclaimed, “Boss, we’ve got a red-hot topic! This could double our platform’s traffic in just three days!” the only thing the CEO would have done was spit in his face.

But with the celestial phenomenon and all manner of science fiction come to life, what on earth still makes sense anymore?

In just three days, Wu Qingchen, now an explosive sensation, driven by his country’s monumental strengths—its vast population, and, above all, the world’s sole, exclusive portraiture rights granted to Happy Network by his nation on his behalf—Happy Network, which mobilized its resources in record time, witnessed the most explosive, unprecedented, shattering growth in internet history.

What was once a company-wide celebration over a million clicks in twenty-four hours?

What was once industry-shaking, ten million clicks in twenty-four hours?

What was once a worldwide sensation—one hundred million clicks in twenty-four hours?

What does it mean to be a media giant? Happy Network will show you: any new video we release starts at one billion views!

And don’t even think that’s too high. That’s just the data from the first hour!

What? You’re telling me the Wu Qingchen special on America’s BBC is just as popular?

Let’s overlook the minor detail that BBC is actually a Mexican media company. Do they have Wu Qingchen’s authorization? Do they? Do they?

No, they don’t! It’s piracy! Do you know what piracy is? Do pirated clicks even count? Do clicks that don’t pay the author count? And you’re watching pirated content? Shame on you! You’re not a citizen of Z Country!

Oh, you say you’re not from Z Country anyway? Who cares what country you’re from! Piracy! Watching pirated content! Shame on you!

You’re not even from Earth!

What? You doubt our copyright? You dare question our authorization? Open your eyes and look carefully!

See here:

“Certified by the United Nations Celestial Phenomenon Event Emergency Committee and authorized by Mr. Wu Qingchen, Happy Network is hereby granted portrait usage rights.
—Chen Wenming. Date.”

UN certification! Authorization by Mr. Wu Qingchen! And signed by his close comrade, Chen Wenming!

The trinity—high-end, grand, prestigious! That’s what I call dominating!

What? You say we only got the authorization by offering 99.999% of the revenue?

What? You say our CEO almost dropped to his knees, begging to be called grandpa for that authorization?

Mind your own business! I’m proud to have the spirit of Lei Feng! Proud to respect the old and cherish the young! You think I can’t recognize you just because you use a different handle? If your New Zealand CNN hadn’t first offered 99.99%, would we have pushed it to the third decimal place? If your Cambodia ABC hadn’t already knelt and called daddy, would we be two generations below you?

You green-eyed monsters! You disgraceful, malicious competitors! You leeches who can’t cling to a big shot and only try to drag others down!

You’re not even from Earth!

What? Your company’s application for authorization has been sent back for the 101st time due to “grammar issues,” “format issues,” “sensitive content,” “other issues,” or “alleged issues,” and you haven’t even had a chance to propose a revenue split?

What? Your CEO is still stuck at customs because of “passport issues,” “health issues,” “personal items,” “other issues,” or “alleged issues,” and didn’t even get the chance to call anyone daddy?

Serves you right! Listen here: Z Country now holds complete sovereignty! The days when imperialists could force open our gates with two cannons are gone forever!

Z Country has stood up! Z Country does what it wants, rejects whatever it pleases, detains whoever it likes!

Long live Zhua! Long live Wu Qingchen!

What? Idol worship?

Mind your business! You’re the ones making pirated copies! You use state machinery to create piracy! Your whole country watches pirated videos!

You’re not even from Earth!

What? Nationalized now? The boss driven insane?

Insane, my ass! I donated it willingly, you understand? Is it wrong to love my country? Is patriotism a crime? Screw you!

Now, this so-called boss, rumored to have suffered mental distress from the iron fist of dictatorship, turned part-time nationality verifier and international media giant—the only company with official authorization and the industry’s conscience—is live streaming the latest updates on Mr. Wu Qingchen.

When Wu Qingchen/Los’s storage room—or rather, his shelter, or even, his hazardous hovel—finally evolved from a virus den to a garbage heap, anyone with the slightest sense of hygiene breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“Thank goodness, finally something resembling a room. My bathroom at home is cleaner than that thing.”

“Please, don’t even compare it to a bathroom. My family’s pigsty is cleaner!”

“The trash station at the entrance to my neighborhood is still cleaner!”

“A bathroom, a pigsty, a trash station—all products of modern civilization. That thing in there? I can’t believe it’s even considered a human dwelling!” One certified user from the “Ishida Laboratory, Department of Architecture, University of Tokyo” officially expelled it from the category of architecture.

A user highlighted the “hole” beside Nina’s mouth with a red arrow: “That window doesn’t look secured. It seems to be shaking—if the wind picks up, it might just fall out!”

“Of course it’ll fall. Tied together with a few grass vines—what do you expect?”

“Even if it falls, it’s better than before. I felt so suffocated these past few days, probably because of that place.”

“Me too!” “Me too!” “Me too!”...

“Our company sells Huoxiang Zhengqi Liquid, Angina Relief Pills, Danshen Drops, ample stock, great prices, call ***. This ad is valid long-term!”

“Long-term, my ass!”

“Can we not joke about this? Where’s the cyber police? Ban this account!”

“The weather looks gloomy; it’ll probably rain tonight. You’d better buy some cold medicine just in case!”

“I’m scared. My daughter’s been crying nonstop—she’s only three and already has a cold…”

“Don’t be afraid, don’t worry. Everything will be fine; the nation will find a way... My son is only five…”

“Our company also sells Cold Medicine, Banlangen, masks, thermometers, ample stock, great prices, call ***. This ad is also long-term!”

“Get lost!”

Suddenly, the screen went blank, and a moment later, a large message dominated the display:

“Notice No. 725: With the joint efforts of the Academy of Sciences, Xiehe Hospital, Xiangya Hospital, Hopkins Hospital, Parkway Medical Group, and other medical institutions, it has been confirmed: as of now, Mr. Wu Qingchen has suffered only minor injuries, most of which will not cause any noticeable discomfort…

…Since the celestial phenomenon, our leaders have attached great importance, rushed to the scene at the earliest moment, issued key instructions, activated emergency protocols, taken full control, coordinated on-site response, and are investigating the cause while maintaining orderly operations...

…We urge the public not to believe or spread rumors. Please live and work with peace of mind!”

“The cyber police are here!” “They’re here!” “The ads are gone.”

“Tch, do you believe everything you’re told? The UN is covering up the truth! This is weapons testing, this is—”

“What a moron.” “Been offline for days?” “Cyber police, ban him already.”

“Damn, there’s all kinds of crazies. Even now, they’re stirring up trouble!”

“Ban your account? So what? I’m telling you, the public’s voice can’t be silenced, the people—”

“Well banned!” “Good job!” “Cyber police did great!”

The discussion on the page was lively. Ten minutes later, a small screen suddenly popped up in the lower right corner of the original video page. In the center of the small window, a young man bowed his head, his trembling hands clutching a thin piece of paper, and began to speak:

“Letter of Apology. I am Yang Ruizhi, male, Han ethnicity, currently twenty-seven years old. On May 12, 2012, I used my Happy Network account ‘Shadow Ferryman’ to post fabricated and false information, which had a terrible impact and misled everyone. I sincerely apologize to the public and beg for your forgiveness.

I am usually careless at work, impulsive in dealing with things, and often criticized by my advanced colleagues, family, and friends. Their concern for me made me feel rebellious. During this celestial event—originally developing in a beneficial direction for the country and the people under our nation’s effective control—I had a crooked thought and took the opportunity to concoct a sensational hoax, just to attract attention to myself. With no factual basis, I spliced together online materials to fabricate claims of governmental incompetence.

Afterward, the cyber police efficiently blocked the post and warned me via private message. Instead of appreciating the nation’s leniency, given for the sake of correcting mistakes and helping people, I remained defiant, switched accounts, and continued publishing false attacks on the government until it drew widespread attention. It wasn’t until the police visited and reprimanded me that I realized things had gotten out of control.

But it was already too late. The false information had caused enormous negative consequences. I deeply regret my actions and am willing to do everything I can to help police eliminate the bad influence of this content.

Officers, I’ve finished reading. I’m sorry. I was wrong. I really was wrong… ah…”

Just as suddenly as it appeared, the video vanished.

“Serves him right! If you don’t get a beating, you’ll never understand why the flowers are so red!”

“Go cool off for fifteen days at the station—reflect with your fellow martyrs!”

“Too late for regrets now!”

“Scum who stir up trouble in a crisis deserve to be shot!”

“Justice is served!”

“Well, at least he got his moment of fame… disgraced himself worldwide. If you envy him, go ahead and try.”